“If I Become A Missing Person…..Part 1”

There’s a lot going on in American politics everybody. Believe me I’ve got my two cents to add. However, before I do, I have to tell you something.

I’m in big trouble. I mean BIG trouble. You see the EMPTY Nestle Toll House Semi-Sweet chocolate chip bag above? Well, it’s not supposed to be empty.

You see, I have what some people call a sweet tooth. I myself admit to being addicted to junk food, especially chocolate.

For the last few years my family has been “encouraging” me to eat healthier. In other words, “discouraging” me from eating my favorite non healthy foods. And I have surprisingly gotten better. I gave up my chocolate chip breakfast muffins. I now drink soda once every other weekend. I haven’t bought candy bars, honey buns or cakes in months. I only eat doughnuts when someone else buys them (maybe once a month).

You would think that my family would appreciate that, right? And they do, but …….. Let me explain.

I am not in denial. I am addicted to junk food. My mind and body just feel better after a piece of cake or chocolate chip cookies or a Pepsi. For real. Man when I go too long without them I feel sluggish and my mind isn’t as sharp.

So while I have been staying away from all of my favorite sweets, I still have my urges. Hence the bag pictured above. My wife likes to bake chocolate chip cookies which is good because I like to eat chocolate chip cookies. My wife likes to keep a bag of chocolate chips in the pantry so she can bake without having to go shopping. So…

I recently discovered this to be extremely convenient and beneficial. With no other sweets in the pantry these chocolate chips became my ally. Whenever I crave a Snickers I just grab 6 to 8 chocolate chips. No cake in the house? Grab 6 to 8 chocolate chips. No honey buns around? Grab 6 to 8 chocolate chips. And I only eat chocolate chip cookies for the chocolate chips anyway! So I’m doing my wife a favor by saving her time and effort. You get the idea.  And it is working. I am saving time and money by avoiding trips to Walmart and Dollar General for snacks. I am eating healthier. But…..

Somebody hates when I eat the chocolate chips. Whenever she’s around and I reach for the bag she yells, “DON’T EAT THOSE CHOCOLATE CHIPS. THEY ARE FOR MY COOKIES.” But I HAVE to eat those chocolate chips. If not  I’ll go back to my bad eating habits. My wife does not care. I am not to eat out of that bag for any reason.

But I can’t help it. Not every day, but every now and then I grab 6 to 8 chips out of that bag because I HAVE to. I function better. Thing is, I have to sneak into the pantry to get the bag. My wife can hear me get that bag no matter where she is in the house. One day I thought I could sneak it out of the pantry while she was upstairs in the bath tub. As soon as I opened the bag she yelled, “STOP EATING THOSE CHOCOLATE CHIPS. I NEED THEM FOR MY COOKIES!” How the hell did she hear that? It made me mad!!! So I started eating 10 to 12 chips at a time. She yelled at me for eating half the bag and made me mad again. So I started eating 15 to 20 chips at a time.

Well now the bag is empty, the last few chips shown here were eaten today before dinner. My wife doesn’t know it yet and so I have a dilemma. Do I get rid of the bag or just leave it in the pantry and let her discover it later? Either way I am in big trouble.

So, if I turn up missing any time soon you all know what happened.

If I’m still around next weekend I’ll share my 2 cents worth of politics.