“My Walmart Moment”

Ever see somebody act out in public? Makes you think, “Why would anybody be this way, right?” Have you acted out in public? Been about 30 years since I “showed out” in public, or as some like to say, I was “out of pocket”!

Had to go to Walmart this morning. I didn’t mind that, but the problem was the time I arrived there. I like to get there early, say, before 8am. I am usually there by then, but this Sunday morning was different. I had a passenger with me.

My wife does the majority of the shopping for us, usually during the week. To make it easier for her I do my own personal shopping on my time because my needs change and sometimes I haven’t made up my list before she goes. This works for us. I like weekend mornings because the crowds are definitely smaller and the people tend to be a little more patient and friendly.

And so, I had my usual weekend morning Walmart trip planned for today. Yesterday my wife asked to tag along so that “we” could go to ANOTHER store to figure what we’d have for Sunday dinner. Ok. She asked me to wake her up so that she’d be ready on time. Remember, I am up early on the weekends due to the fact that I’m up at 5:40 am during the week. My wife, on the other hand, has been working from home since March……….

So I get up at 7:20am this morning and hop in the shower. I’m ready to roll at 7:50. The wife gets up and gets moving. Surprisingly I hear the BATH WATER RUNNING as I sit patiently downstairs. Not a good sign as far as time is concerned. Running bath water means a one hour wait time for her to get ready. Again, I’m usually at the store by 8am!

At exactly 8:33am she comes downstairs and wants to discuss the list. NO TIME. LETS GET INTO THE CAR AND GO! I go start the car and wait for her to exit the house. Finally we arrive at Walmart. This is when the story begins.

I knew I was in trouble when I saw the parking lot. Upon entering the store I see the dreaded long lines, particularly at the self-checkout lanes. I am understandably pissed, right? So now with blood boiling and not wanting to rationalize I quicken my pace and sigh heavily. My wife, sensing my frustration and trailing a few steps behind, decided to “help” by suggesting that I should shop at the other local Walmart which has more self-checkout lanes….. I couldn’t take it. Before I could censor myself I yelled, “IF YOUR ASS WANTED TO HELP YOU SHOULD HAVE THOUGT ABOUT IT AT 7:30! WHAT THE FUCK! She was behind me so as I turned around to address her directly she was gone. Just like that. Disappeared into thin air. Now I was left alone to be a spectacle for the other shoppers around me. My COVID mandated mask hiding my full identity lessened the embarrassment which was a good thing. Honestly though, I did not care.

I crumbled my shopping list into a ball and shoved it into my pocket. I shoved my shopping cart up against the shelves intending to leave it “right there”. I reached for my phone to check the time and to tell my wife I was leaving. My glasses fogged up and hindered my vision so I headed outside so as not to be a spectacle any longer. On my way to the exit I had to cut through the long checkout lines. As I did one customer who witnessed it all said good bye and told me to have a blessed day. Hearing this, I calmed down a little bit. Slowed my pace. Took a few easy breaths. Then I thought, “I made my wife disappear. I nodded my head in agreement with myself, smiled with relief and said, “I MADE MY WIFE DISAPPEAR”.

I didn’t know this was possible. I’ve heard that lots of strange things happen at Walmart sometimes, but I’d never heard of husbands making wives disappear. The stress left my body and I realized I was free to shop on my time. I pulled my list out of my pocket and uncrumbled it. Went back and retrieved my shopping cart. Starting filling my cart as I intended in the first place. After about ten minutes I had most of what I needed. Three things left! As I left the grocery section headed to pharmacy (man of a certain age…) another strange thing happened: she appeared out of thin air, seemingly out of nowhere. My wife was back.

Though my anger was gone and I had cooled off, I didn’t want her to know. So I picked up my pace, started breathing heavy again, didn’t say a word to her. Again she paced a few feet behind, occasionally putting things into the cart without looking in my direction. That was a good thing. I settled for going to a register with a cashier as the self-checkout was still overflowing. Finally able to exit Walmart I was relieved, but it almost 9:30, an hour later than usual.

We were headed home, or so I thought, so I was good. Then I remembered. She was with me so “we” could go to BJs Wholesale Club. Ugh.

We arrived at BJs. I saw the parking lot and I knew I was in trouble. Entered the store and saw the long ass lines. Unbelievably my wife says, “These lines move pretty fast”. All I could say was, “What the fuck”. I turned to see if she had disappeared again, but this time she was still there.

I guess it only happens in Walmart…….

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